I have demons in me.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
