My friends, they love my intelligence
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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