I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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