I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
