I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
