don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
