Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
