Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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