That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
