his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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