You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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