my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
