Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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