Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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