I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
