I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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