Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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