She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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