Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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