Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
