i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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