a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He passed out mid-signature
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
