how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
