Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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