Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
