it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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