Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
