I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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