She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
