im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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