WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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