You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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