I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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