Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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