I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
