Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
