After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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