Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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