Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
