I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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