Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
