I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
