Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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