Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
