Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You ruined the universe
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
