I seem to have left my pride at pride
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When did angry sex become our thing?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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