the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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