I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
