If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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