The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
