I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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