this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
